All Smiles I'm High!!!

I set patiently in my Statistics class....holding back the pain that my tooth is causing me..
Ohhh God!! was all i could think.....how much longer....knowing that I was 3/4 thru...hurry the hell up...trying to work the standard deviation means NOTHING this pain in my mouth is like giving birth without drugs...some real live bullshit.....

Hour later
ALL SMILES IM HIGH and the pain is relaxed...not to mention Im overdosing on Ambesol....highshit....

Finally Ready

It's been months since i last wrote something..been gone but Im back...Get ready for my new life.

Who is he?

So the past couple of years I have been running back and forth to my Baby Daddy, and each time I have gone I have gotten the same results, INSANITY!!!!!!!
Well I have decided that I love myself and now I know my worth, and I have to break my own insanity.

So I got High

With the things that I have been going through, I am amazed that I am maintaining so well. Today has been wonderful even though I am losing my friend, I gained a more amazing feeling, the feeling of Accomplishment. I am making it through my past, and I am dealing with my present, not by what I want for my kids but what I want for myself.

I realized that family is what you make it, and mine is not the conventional family anymore. Hell, in all honesty, I knew it would never be black and white, my shit if pink all day long, lol.
     My friend is going through hell right now trying to find her place in life, and she doesn't know where to go, and when I look at her I see me and I want to reach out and help her and I think the best thing I did was tell her it's okay to go and touch the unknown, it's okay to try and if the devil rears his ugly face, run bitch, run.  I told her its never too late to turn around, no road is too skinny that you can't make that u-turn, just watch out for cops. I was so proud of myself that I got high with her and we laughed and laughed, even though she seemed ready to get mushy....

Go Figure

Posted 8/20/09

Sometimes I ask myself WTF is wrong? I have had a history of getting involved with abusive men, and giving to much of myself and getting nothing in return, go figure.
Six years ago I walked away from a really bad situation and got on top of my game, found a career that cashed out $40,000 a year two kids set in a nice apartment, shopping, going out with the girls and just being the new me...sounds scrumptious, right?
THEN.... My grandmother dies and I get back in touch with my oldest child's father, and yes, he was abusive,but hey that was ten years ago before he went to prison,go figure.
And there went the spiral. At first it was good smoked something, laughed, talked-which as a couple we never did and it felt new, and of course the sex was the bomb, this is my soul mate, right? go figure..
I had fallen in love and no one could tell me different, we lived 900 miles away, and I started flying him in to spend the weekends and next thing you know I planned the next child, go figure... And quit my job to move to him and then the abuse began,go figure....
Now I'm back to square one trying to get back on top and wondering why it took losing everything just to truly find me, go figure.....

Over Extended Interviews

Posted 8/21/09

     Okay so I have been on two interviews in the last three days and damn, no job, what I'm I saying, I feel confident, dressing appropriately, so why do I have to go through so many interviews? I won't say what companies cause everyone uses the web and you never know but this morning after filling out the questionnaires on line I go to the interview, get in there 15 minutes early and again another 15 minute questionnaire. Finish with that I sit with a smile and twittle my thumbs as people come into the store. First interview the woman a sister, is talking so fast that I had to ask several times for her to repeat what she said, she blows through the questions and sends me back into the lobby. Again I sit and twittle my thumbs and smile as a child drops her sucker on the ground and without washing it off her mother stuck it back in her mouth,ick! I am then called for the rest of my interview, big white guy this time he's not into me really, or shall I say the constant yawning was driving me crazy. this goes on the for the rest of the interview with a " Someone from HR will contact you this week either at your number or a postcard"I don't want a damn postcard, that's a rejection. And if they weren't HR who the %#&@$! were they

The Real Other Blogs

     I took the time to look through other blogs on this site, and they all look creative. Most blogs are the Suburban couples introducing baby "Henry" and his first day of sleeping stretched out on his daddy in the early hours of the morning, Blah, Blah, fuck that where the black folks at?
     I aint seen nobody on here talking about the Nigga that didn't come home last night, or how you spent the last of your EBT on some milk for your bestie, cause yall taking care of each other kids, or how you picking through change to help your best bitch with that pack of Newports that you hate to smell...but you'll find it on mine, not enough pictures though, but that's because I can't find all the shit to do it properly.lol
    The craziest thing that is happening right now with me is my girls talking about their father, now Erykah well she remembers the parts of being pampered, and she misses her daddy and now each day there's something else that she says about him from "Where's my Daddy at?" to " I love my Daddy?" and just the same little reminders that I had from when Ekeylie went through the same stages of loving him pure and simple. Every little girl believes that her father is a Superman, that he can do no wrong until she grows and lives with him, even then sometimes that image how ever tainted, is quickly covered up..
     I remember telling Ekeylie all the good things, trying to build him up and make her proud and she always teased her brother about her daddy being this and her daddy being that, and its crazy cause riding in the truck going through drive through she told my friend the story of her father trying to dent her eye in...(laughing so hard inside) You ask wtf happened?
     I woke up one morning in Blytheville, AR, missing my private times with the kids, and thought how about keeping them at home with me and watching dvds all day, just between us cause he tended to over think how simple I am, so all day we laid around and slept and watched scary shit , well we didn't think of  his "close relationship" with her basketball coach.
     And well lets just say that in the heat of trying to pry what he already knew out of her he muffed her in the face for making him feel awkward, okay more then two people in our house were lying and he got caught just as we did, and with the muffing of the face in a fit of rage he lost the status of the "Perfect Daddy" and I lost the status of the "Protecting Mama". He thought we were laughing at him and in the very moment we were more afraid to be near him.
     I watched the hate fill up and I heard it pour into my child's ears and I hurt for her, cause she just knew he had put a dent in her eye.