So I got High

With the things that I have been going through, I am amazed that I am maintaining so well. Today has been wonderful even though I am losing my friend, I gained a more amazing feeling, the feeling of Accomplishment. I am making it through my past, and I am dealing with my present, not by what I want for my kids but what I want for myself.

I realized that family is what you make it, and mine is not the conventional family anymore. Hell, in all honesty, I knew it would never be black and white, my shit if pink all day long, lol.
     My friend is going through hell right now trying to find her place in life, and she doesn't know where to go, and when I look at her I see me and I want to reach out and help her and I think the best thing I did was tell her it's okay to go and touch the unknown, it's okay to try and if the devil rears his ugly face, run bitch, run.  I told her its never too late to turn around, no road is too skinny that you can't make that u-turn, just watch out for cops. I was so proud of myself that I got high with her and we laughed and laughed, even though she seemed ready to get mushy....

Go Figure

Posted 8/20/09

Sometimes I ask myself WTF is wrong? I have had a history of getting involved with abusive men, and giving to much of myself and getting nothing in return, go figure.
Six years ago I walked away from a really bad situation and got on top of my game, found a career that cashed out $40,000 a year two kids set in a nice apartment, shopping, going out with the girls and just being the new me...sounds scrumptious, right?
THEN.... My grandmother dies and I get back in touch with my oldest child's father, and yes, he was abusive,but hey that was ten years ago before he went to prison,go figure.
And there went the spiral. At first it was good smoked something, laughed, talked-which as a couple we never did and it felt new, and of course the sex was the bomb, this is my soul mate, right? go figure..
I had fallen in love and no one could tell me different, we lived 900 miles away, and I started flying him in to spend the weekends and next thing you know I planned the next child, go figure... And quit my job to move to him and then the abuse began,go figure....
Now I'm back to square one trying to get back on top and wondering why it took losing everything just to truly find me, go figure.....

Over Extended Interviews

Posted 8/21/09

     Okay so I have been on two interviews in the last three days and damn, no job, what I'm I saying, I feel confident, dressing appropriately, so why do I have to go through so many interviews? I won't say what companies cause everyone uses the web and you never know but this morning after filling out the questionnaires on line I go to the interview, get in there 15 minutes early and again another 15 minute questionnaire. Finish with that I sit with a smile and twittle my thumbs as people come into the store. First interview the woman a sister, is talking so fast that I had to ask several times for her to repeat what she said, she blows through the questions and sends me back into the lobby. Again I sit and twittle my thumbs and smile as a child drops her sucker on the ground and without washing it off her mother stuck it back in her mouth,ick! I am then called for the rest of my interview, big white guy this time he's not into me really, or shall I say the constant yawning was driving me crazy. this goes on the for the rest of the interview with a " Someone from HR will contact you this week either at your number or a postcard"I don't want a damn postcard, that's a rejection. And if they weren't HR who the %#&@$! were they

The Real Other Blogs

     I took the time to look through other blogs on this site, and they all look creative. Most blogs are the Suburban couples introducing baby "Henry" and his first day of sleeping stretched out on his daddy in the early hours of the morning, Blah, Blah, fuck that where the black folks at?
     I aint seen nobody on here talking about the Nigga that didn't come home last night, or how you spent the last of your EBT on some milk for your bestie, cause yall taking care of each other kids, or how you picking through change to help your best bitch with that pack of Newports that you hate to smell...but you'll find it on mine, not enough pictures though, but that's because I can't find all the shit to do it properly.lol
    The craziest thing that is happening right now with me is my girls talking about their father, now Erykah well she remembers the parts of being pampered, and she misses her daddy and now each day there's something else that she says about him from "Where's my Daddy at?" to " I love my Daddy?" and just the same little reminders that I had from when Ekeylie went through the same stages of loving him pure and simple. Every little girl believes that her father is a Superman, that he can do no wrong until she grows and lives with him, even then sometimes that image how ever tainted, is quickly covered up..
     I remember telling Ekeylie all the good things, trying to build him up and make her proud and she always teased her brother about her daddy being this and her daddy being that, and its crazy cause riding in the truck going through drive through she told my friend the story of her father trying to dent her eye in...(laughing so hard inside) You ask wtf happened?
     I woke up one morning in Blytheville, AR, missing my private times with the kids, and thought how about keeping them at home with me and watching dvds all day, just between us cause he tended to over think how simple I am, so all day we laid around and slept and watched scary shit , well we didn't think of  his "close relationship" with her basketball coach.
     And well lets just say that in the heat of trying to pry what he already knew out of her he muffed her in the face for making him feel awkward, okay more then two people in our house were lying and he got caught just as we did, and with the muffing of the face in a fit of rage he lost the status of the "Perfect Daddy" and I lost the status of the "Protecting Mama". He thought we were laughing at him and in the very moment we were more afraid to be near him.
     I watched the hate fill up and I heard it pour into my child's ears and I hurt for her, cause she just knew he had put a dent in her eye.

Meeting Someone New

    I thought that if I used the same mentality of my exes then maybe I would move on to the next, something like Gucci Mane,
Now baby girl the dump
She no longer wants me
I'm no longer hired
She said that i been fired
On to the next one
Mo fish in the sea
Girls r like buses
Miss one next 15 one comin
    But damn that ain't nothing like me at all, so everyone that comes in my view is like icky, no, too young, too old, white, not him....but what the fuck was he.. Umm, he made me feel good, damn near Tony Tiger Greaatttt!!!! but at the same moment he could say some shit that make you want to run his side of the car into a brick house.I ask myself what do I deserve if I have waited so long to be dogged out again? I know plenty of women who I see getting the same treatment and I have been quick to pass judgement, and say some really Bogus things when I too ain't no better when it comes to the pickings.
    Right now I am on Aid and that shit is disturbing when I know that I have gone plenty of years without it. He has attempted to call twice and I looked at the phone like it was going to kill me to pick it up, but I also pat myself on the back for leaving it be, why, why why,???
    One reason is that I look in the mirror some days and I despise who I see, crazy bitch!!! Ungrateful motherfucker who got away from it for 10 years, and even tho I longed for him I had the nightmares, and memories to remind me that I got away..
   Another reason, oh goodness, its too many to even count... But Lord the thought of that body in them jeans and that tank top, ummmm scrumptious...this is why people stay in abusive relationships and can't move on to the next possibility of meeting someone new...

So Aggravated.......Lord What's Wrong With Me

Some people know what it is to be in love and have it returned to you the same exact way that you gave it, me well, not so much. I can't let go of the fact that I have been in love with an asshole for almost all of my life, and I have repeatedly did some of the dumbest things to be with him and for what? nothing but to be treated like I am beneath him and then to be treated like a fool. I know that loving someone means giving your everything and committing only to him or her, right? Wouldn't it be considered cheating to keep lines of communication open with people you've slept with? Would you want to be subjected to hearing about their past flings with other women or men while you lived only for the moments to be with that person? Could you live each day going back and forth without friends and family for a person who insinuated that you were a liar? Could you continue to fuck in a bed that possibly had people from your neighborhoods nut stains? I continue to ask myself the same question that he asked me "Why you wanna be with him?" I always dreamed him to be what I made up in my mind, and then to actually live it out, Lord what's wrong with me?